All of a sudden you look at his short pants, his long hair, his big feet, and mouth full of teeth - holy shit, I have a grown boy!! Where is my little squishy old man wrinkly baby? or chubby jumping jolly? yogurt face? crawly? gagagoobie? Where did YOU come from? and where have I been the past 2 years?

Hospital Stay

I did my very best to avoid visiting a hospital all my life. Luckily I can count the times I've been in one on my one hand. However, the protocol for C-section birth is a guaranteed 2 full days on bed rest and under the care and observation of nurses. My parents insisted they help pay for a private room to make my stay more comfortable. So there we were, in a room on the 4th floor with private bed and bath and window. William was in a small rolling hospital crib, and shawn slept on a bench that acted as a bed.  Every 3 hours there was some sort of visit from a nurse, paediatrician, lactation consultant and or my surgeon to check my incision, to change the sheets, to feed me, to bathe William, to give me medicine, to help with breast feeding. All I can remember is thinking everyone was a monster!!!! keeping me trapped here in this room, and not letting me go home. Shawn left for coffees and smoke breaks, and at one point slept in the car in the parking garage. I was chained to the bed desperate for fresh air. The first time my surgeon Ali came to check on me, I broke down in tears.  "I just want to go home" was all I kept saying. The talk of baby blues were in full effect. I was crying uncontrollably. I didn't understand why floods of tears were running from my eyes, I was overwhelmed with joy and happy, but it felt as if a tap were opened and I could not close the valve. The three of us were squeezed into the hospital bed cuddling trying to get some rest. There were nurses we liked and some that petrified me. I felt judged and incompetent  when 2 pairs of hands were trying to squeeze my nipples to get the liquid gold "collustrum" from my breasts. I was taking a bag full of advil, tylenol, stool softeners, and gas relief. They gave me charts to fill out, documenting what dosage I took, what colour of stool William had, how much and how long he ate etc. They also told me that if his weight did not go up, I would have to stay an extra day. I hated most of my hospital stay at the time, but now in hindsight, those 3 days of special care helped me recover and prepare for life as a competent and healthy mom. The amazing lactation support allowed me to feel confident when I left to keep feeding William. The 3 visits from my surgeon made me feel so special, I considered her a miracle worker and saint for brining my sweet baby into this world. The bed rest helped my body heal and recover immediately. And most importantly, the visits from my closest friends made the experience that much better.

Birth Story

My contractions started at 11:00pm. Shawn went to bed. I opened the notepad on my iphone and started writing down the length of contraction and how far apart. I also documented how painful they were. I called the hospital twice. "Should I come in??" they said to wait. I watched tv on the couch, grabbed the pillows, changed positions every half hour, grabbed and squeezed what i could to get through each wave. Shawn slept through the night in our bed. At 8am they got pretty damn painful, mostly in the lower back, lying down in the car with the window open, Shawn drove to Kitchener Grand River Hospital, taking backroads, we got there by 9:00am and they checked me into Triage. There, we got a not so glamourous hospital bed behind a curtain, and I was strapped up with a monitor and began to get checked every hour. I was 3cm dilated, and we were good to go. This was happening today. I texted my parents and and replied to anyone who wished me luck that morning. We walked around, found a vending machine, sometimes sat down, and sometimes I was on the floor on all fours. Shawn gave me deep massages with each contraction, pressing so hard to alleviate the pain. We repeated this for several hours. I cursed, I cried, I mumbled, and swore a lot. WTF, how long is this going to go on..... Did the nurses not see how much pain I was in? How come the other patients behind the other curtains weren't making this much noise???? Am I going to give birth in this room any second? Is this it? Do I start pushing now??? Nope. Finally, 6 hours later, at 3pm, they said I was 51/2 cm dilated and they had a room ready. So I got wheeled over to a luxury suite compared to Triage. There it was.... a real hospital/delivery bed, almost queen size, so spacious, with remote control, a t.v. in the corner, and a little bed for where they will clean and weigh my baby when he comes. What an upgrade. Okay, this must be it, do I start pushing now?? Nope. Once again I am hooked up, and checked, and meet my new nurse. Almost immediately they kick Shawn out and stick a needle in my back - why he couldn't be present for that is beyond me, but shortly after that, the nurse said I had a contraction, and I didn't feel it one bit. I was also pissing into a catheter and didn't even realize. Woo Hoo, finally, the morning was so brutal, I figured it was smooth sailing from here. I was doped up and smiling, and we were pretty enthusiastic about the entire thing, the hard part must have been over, we did it!!!! I was dilating, finally at 8cm and then 9cm, they said we will start pushing at 12cm. All of a sudden nurses are talking, almost whispering, checking charts, comparing notes, voicing concerns of the baby's dropping heart rate, and then eventually the swelling of my cervix. A couple hours went by like this. My parents were there, even My Aunt who was a maternity nurse stopped in. Shawn's friend Mike from work came to visit with gifts, and I said that this was probably not the best time for a visit.

My OB Ali Salhani was on call that night, she was coming in at 8pm, I can't wait to see her, she will know what to do. The chances of getting your OB on shift when you're delivering are slim, so I figured everything was going to be okay. After all the monitoring, dropping heart rate, I lost stamina and enthusiasm, I got sad, Shawn had to rub my head, hold my hand, stare at me in the face and tell me everything was going to be okay. Ali, started her shift, checked my cervix, told me i was swollen and dropped back down to 5cm. So what does that mean? She called an Emergency C-section.  At that point my alternative option was to take some more drugs and hope to dilate again. I looked at Ali with complete trust and said let's do this.

I got wheeled into the brightest room I have ever seen. Huge circle ceiling lights. Straight out of a hospital nightmare, I got transferred onto the surgery table and strapped down. That's right, both arms spread and strapped. Was this really necessary?  I hear the surgeons call out equipment, which I thought was what they did in movies.... 2 knives, 1 tube,  etc...  There are about 6 surgeons dressed in blue, all broads, some surgeons, and a few student practitioners. The one male (Anesthesiologist) stuck a needle in me somewhere, and I went a lot more numb. I remember thinking Where the fuck is Shawn, is he going to miss this? Did he decide to wait outside? Did they close the doors, Did he miss his chance to come in? Finally he walked in decked out head to toe in yellow scrubs. I got some kisses, the drugs kicked in hard. Ali asked me if I know why I was there, I say "for a C-section delivery.....and I tummy tuck" ha, the room laughs.

They do a last check for numbness (by placing a rubber glove full of ice) on my legs, stomach and arms. We are good to go. Then, the shocking and mind blowing smell, of flesh, is mine, I throw up on my self 3 times. Someone wipes it up and surgery goes on. I have not stopped shaking since I got transferred to the table. I was not at all prepared for this. I had avoided hospitals all my life. I was petrified and scared and I was naked and freezing and nervous. This was by far the most traumatic and strangely exciting experience I have ever felt. I hear conversation, I feel tugging, I am behind a blue curtain, I don't see anything. Shawn holds my hand the entire time, even takes a peek - that brave soul. I am in awe how calm and collected he is. Did he get some drugs too???? How is he so brave right now??? I am so in love with him at this point. Having someone so close, with what feels like your life in their hands, and you are connected like never before. A few awkward tugs later, they pull William out. I let a very strange silent cry/grimace, weird face, and sigh of relief when I hear the cutest squeal I have ever heard. If I can go back in time I would record that cute cry, that sound I would listen to over and over for life. They take William over to a bath and weighing station, I am bummed I can't see anything, but Shawn is right there, beside the doctor, watching him in his first few seconds of life get cleaned up and open his eyes. A few doctors tell shawn that now would be the time to take a photo, but we have no camera, not even a phone. I look backwards while lying down on the table getting sown up, and tell Shawn to move his fat ass and let me see!!!!!!!!!!!

At that moment, I either died and my life was flashing before my eyes, Or I just experienced some sort of magic... Shawn turned around holding a little bundled up baby boy and sat down. I could not take my eyes off them, this was the most incredible moment of it all, why didn't we just do this 12 fucking hours ago!!! William Wesley Wolf Bennett Born at 10:30 on July 20 weighing 7.2 lbs and 21 inches long.  I cannot believe my eyes, he's mine, they're mine, we are a family, everything is okay, I don't have to worry, I'm so lucky, let me hold him already!!!! Ali sewed me up quickly and rolled me out of that room, the nurses put William on my chest skin to skin and though I could not feel my legs, I felt him, and his skin, and his heart and all those things. And writing this made me feel it all again.

42 weeks, William was overdue, and we were told that I was going to be induced on Sunday June 19th at 9:00am. Thanks to the ever so convenient iphone I am so happy with my maternity shot collection.  Many people asked if I had a maternity shoot planned, and being in the business I probably could have picked a favourite artists to document this time, but I didn't.  However, we took lots of snaps, a few polaroids, and I have quite the collection of behind the scene photos from shooting weddings pregnant from my staff. I have tons of photos around the house and a full baby journal of shots that depict this time.  Not having a professional portrait session might be a stab against the industry I work in, but I am perfectly fine with my decision.  So I am so excited to start this blog. To document the process of being pregnant and then welcoming william into the world.